Bassoons, Laser Cannons and Creamy Jingoism

Sundays, I think, should be all about doing things that make you feel about 65. Roast dinner, a walk round a National Trust place, antiquing - all of them lovely, all of them relaxing...none of them cool. If you want to be cool, go out on Friday, Saturday (or if you're so edgy you don't mind getting sacked) a Tuesday. Save the industrial dance rave for some other time - Sundays are for playing the Antiques Roadshow game (if you haven't tried it, you haven't lived.)

I just love this lady's face

So it was in this spirit of stodgy Sunday-ness that I bought tickets for my parents, F, and me to see the 25th Anniversary of Classical Spectacular the weekend after Mother's Day.

If you have not experienced Classical Spectacular before, it is rather a difficult concept to put across.

Imagine you are an Events team executive pitching to the board at the Albert Hall, possibly the most sought after, respected venue in the arts world. The conversation goes something like this:


YOU: It'll be a celebration of all the most popular pieces of classical music - a bit of opera, bit of symphony - with the full London Philharmonic Orchestra. We might even throw in some patriotic songs to keep the older generation happy. We think it'll really appeal to families out for a bit of culture, especially those with grandparents.

THE BOARD: So...why do you need the laser cannons?


That's right. Laser cannons. And fireworks. And guns going off. Plus some actual military canons BLASTING OFF AROUND YOU during the 1812 Overture at the end.

 Let's face it, classical music will never be cool. It is even less cool to attend a blisteringly cheesy compilation of classical music's greatest hits, surrounded by middle-class senior citizens.

Classical Spectacular is, basically, Strictly Come Dancing with bassoons.

And that is precisely, why we need the laser canons, because apart from all the sci-fi style swirling colours and lights (preeeeeeetty) it creates a kind of bonkers paradox, just like the 'England and Cream' sketch from A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

It's as if they were whispering to us as we bellowed our way through that third reprise of Rule Britannia, saying, "yes, we know this is completely over-the-top, jingoistic nonsense, but if we just push it a biiit further, it crosses over into the effing hilarious."
This is why I loved Classical Spectacular, and more importantly, why my parents have now been three times. The music was beautifully played, the lasers lasered brightly and on cue, and as we all know, we British are never happier than when we are laughing at ourselves.

Love,

W.L.

P.S. If you need any more proof of how completely, wonderfully, MAD Classical Spectacular is, here's a picture. This season is sadly now sold out - but there's always next year. Come on, you know you want to.

Voluptéase!

This Saturday, my girlfriend F and I ditched the washing up in favour of one of underground cabaret club extraordinaire Volupté's Afternoon Tease specials. I had been looking forward to visiting since Christmas, when I was kindly given vouchers for a 'burlesque experience' in London by my mum (she knows me so well) and it was the perfect way to treat F after an especially stressful week of teaching.

This hadn't been our first burlesque outing in London (we visited the vivid and tiny Cellar Door around this time last year, and are frequent attendees at Bourne and Hollingsworth vintage nights) and I'm no stranger to the burlesque scene, but I was excited to see if Volupté could bring something new to familiar territory.

F and me celebrating her birthday at High Tea(se) at Cellar Door last year

I wasn't disappointed. The atmosphere was second to none, with a lot more space than Cellar Door, but still managing to pull-off that speakeasy feel. Tiptoeing through the unassuming front door (who'd have thought anything this naughty could exist in Chancery Lane) we were greeted by a row of coats and a smiling hostess in a gossamer mini-crini. We were then politely seated at a comfortable sofa in the upstairs V Bar - a perfect spot for people watching, with not only audience members but performers hanging out there too. 

Volupté - V Bar (photo from volupte-lounge.com)

While we waited for the show to start we took in the super-extensive cocktail menu, eventually plumping for the delicious (if slightly viscous) Dixie Dragon - a devilish drink comprising of vodka, gin, raspberry coulis and another mysterious spirit flavoured with lime and chilli. We were spoilt for choice however, as the five page menu could have catered to any taste, from the classic Old-Fashioned to original treats like the Lindy Hop (which contained no less than four kinds of gin, and seemed to need mixing as energetic as the dance it was named after!) 

We were early, and waited around half an hour, but had plenty to keep us occupied, watching the silent films on TV screens at either end of the bar. Eventually we were led downstairs by our hostess, who insisted of carrying our drinks for us on her silver tray. She handed us over to the waiting staff who took us to our table in the Volupté Cabaret Restaurant, seating us at the table opposite the piano. From here we had a perfect view of the stage (and the gravelly-voiced piano player, Jaz Delorean, whose repertoire included the best version of I'm Reviewing The Situation since Ron Moody.)

(photo from volute-lounge.com)

As we'd pre-booked, everything was already ordered for us (except our drinks) so all we had to do was relax and watch the show, while the fantastic waiting staff busied all around us, bringing us our afternoon tea plate by plate. They were more than happy to make any changes to the menu (F is vegetarian) and even made us extra sandwiches without us having to ask! That made me especially happy, as the sandwiches are ALWAYS the best part of afternoon tea.

Another ingenious option on the menu was the choice between the regular teas (of which the was a generous list) or tea-infused cocktails, served in a teapot. Naturally, F and I plumped for the boozier option - we're only human after all! We were especially excited to sample these because of my efforts to make tea-tinis as a treat for F on Valentine's Day 2012 (inspired by one of my favourite recipe books, the Vintage Afternoon Tea Book) and I was anxious to compare them. The concoction we picked was a curious mixture of chilled Lady Grey, grapefruit juice, vodka, and lemon called a Princess Romanov, which was thoroughly delicious, though we agreed that it would have been better with a little champagne added to make it sparkle.

Om-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

The show was one of the best I've seen, with some brilliant talent, notably the two glamorous striptease acts, Miss Dolly Rose (performing her Guide to Weight Loss and Peel Me A Grape balloon pop routines) and Audacity Chutzpah (with her hilarious Castaway and Women Through The Ages acts.)

Peel Me A Grape - Miss Dolly Rose

There were also eye-rollworthy jokes and magic from compere Christian Lee, and fantastic, if slightly gross, plate-spinning from Count Adriano Fettucini. 

 I've gotta say though, we need more whoopers and hollerers in the audiences at these things! Even the hen party at the back barely made a sound. As usual, I was a one-woman noise machine (which got me a LOT of attention from the acts - Miss Dolly Rose in particular, who actually gave me an up-close-and-personal encounter with her very pert and spangly bosom) but, I mean, come on! Isn't that what burlesque is all about? A loud, proud, raucous funtime, with as much PARTICIPATION and GLITTER as possible? 

(photo from Khandie Khisses tumblr)

See? Khandie Khisses gets it. 

All in all though, it was a truly fabulous experience, and I will definitely be back for their Vintage Ball or Cotton Club nights, as dinner and dancing vintage-style is something I am ALWAYS up for. With a rowdier, possibly more veteran crowd, I can certainly imagine raising the roof in my rollers at Volupté for many visits to come!

Voluptéa is held every Saturday from 14:30. For more details, check out their fabulous website here

Love,

W.L.